Chapter 1: A Swampy Misadventure

Felix laughed as I tripped, launching into a flying belly flop that coated me in a fresh layer of swamp slime. That little bastard. I would’ve had a good lead on him if it weren’t for the twenty-seven-thousand booby traps I’d set off on the way. Instead, he caught up to me as I lay in the muck and waggled his cute little gnome-made ass in my face. What an asshole. Of course, his leathers were skintight, and the dirt and ooze and magic that surrounded us only made them more formfitting, so I wasn’t exactly unhappy to watch him run ahead.

A pair of giant mosquitoes, probably sent by the gnomes to fuck up my day, buzzed around me while I rolled over and tried to get my breath. One almost got a bite out of me before a noise from the village drowned out the droning in my ear. Felix stopped and turned. I followed his gaze, and it was glorious: mini firefighting brigades scampering around like confused ants, gnomes with tiny buckets shouting and cursing as the entire place went up in flames. It was beautiful. If the whole job was as satisfying as the end, I didn’t mind so much that my hair was plastered to my skull or that Felix’s laughter floated back toward me like a fart in a windstorm.

“We should have stolen a few towels while we were at it,” Felix shouted, glancing at me over his shoulder. He brushed his wet hair back, the lamplight behind him turning it almost silver. Fuck, he looked hot. But he also looked right at home, and I hated him a little for that.

“Towels, right,” I called back. I pushed up from the muck, dragging myself to my feet, and then pitched forward, dodging a mini swarm of angry gnome-bred flies. At least I was getting good at this rolling-in-the-dirt thing. “More like a fucking canoe.”

Felix smirked as I made it to the shelter of a gnarled old tree, the trunk big enough to hide behind if we crouched. “Language, Sam,” he teased. “I think the little ones heard you.”

He was right. I peered back toward the village, past the weeds and marshy trees, and saw a squad of gnome guards with tiny helmets and oversized weapons gaining on us. Dammit. My gnome-infested shoes squelched when I ran to catch up with Felix. Just a few more yards and we’d be at the edge of the swamp, but of course I knew better than to assume we were in the clear.

“Looks like they brought the whole damn militia.” I pointed past him, and sure enough, a big brigade of gnomes swarmed toward us.

“They do look a bit upset.” Felix sidestepped a lashing vine and kept on, nimble as ever. “Didn’t think we’d take it this far.”

“What, the fire or the rings?”

“Both,” Felix answered. My scar throbbed, and so did the other parts of me.

Everything stank of smoke and wet leaves and wood rot, and most of the slime was on me. A couple of tiny shouts echoed out behind us. Crap. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I set off another one of their stupid traps. This time it was a snare that sent up a glowing alarm into the night, turning the dark sky bright as morning and making sure we were good and visible from anywhere in the swamp. So much for getting out unseen.

“Fast or dead, Sam,” Felix shouted over the chaos. Easy for him to say, since his nimble gnome-loving legs were already well ahead.

“Definitely not dead!” I yelled back. If nothing else, I was good at sprinting for my life. My whole body was sore from taking every branch and vine in the swamp head-on, and the light showed me black gunk everywhere and just how hopeless it was to get clean anytime soon. Felix wasn’t in much better shape, but at least he made mud look good.

He risked a look over his shoulder. “Look, if we don’t die, we’ll call it a success, alright? Who cares about a little mess?”

“If we don’t die,” I said, panting like crazy, “you’re cleaning me up.”

We ducked under another fallen tree, and that’s when I got the first real glimpse of what was happening behind us. The whole place, every little structure we’d just cased, was crackling away in a bright red mess. There were gnomes in all directions, some yelling at us, some yelling at the fire, a few running with tiny hose reels. Their voices came over the burning timbers and shouted curses. One was calling the others in, barking out orders. Another had a voice way too big for a two-foot body, and over the roaring fire he screamed that nobody was to let the sacred bands leave the swamp, that the village could burn to the roots if it had to, but the rings came home tonight, whatever it cost and whoever fell. There must have been a million of the little bastards, and they were all scrambling for buckets.

It was fucking great.

“Go, go, go!” I shouted, and my foot came down on something spongy that gave way in a sticky explosion. I had to laugh at how shitty our getaway was. When I looked over at Felix, he was laughing too. His whole lithe dancer’s body shook with it, and he didn’t miss a step, the bastard.

Felix barely needed to work to make it all work, while I bled, sweat, and nearly died every time. But he didn’t seem to mind my lack of grace, or my gullibility, or my all-consuming desire to see him naked. And maybe, just maybe, I didn’t mind it too much either.

“It’s too damn quiet,” I said as we pushed through another patch of hanging vines.

Felix’s eyes gleamed in the flickering light. “Something wrong?”

It was too quiet, but I wasn’t going to admit that I was scared. So instead, I said, “Just used to you making more noise, that’s all.”

He looked over at me, those purple eyes laughing, and suddenly he wasn’t quiet.

Felix hauled me around by the wrist and spun me out of the path of a rock-hard gnome trap, saving my life and nearly killing me at the same time. Somewhere in the spin his hand landed on my cock through my wet trousers and found it hard. “Is that for the gnomes, Sam,” he said, “or do you intend to put it inside me later?” Everything ached and I wanted him anyway. He pulled me into a sprint.

But that wasn’t all he pulled me into. By the time I thought to check, there was a small band of gnomes nearly on top of us, and a couple of arrows hit the trees just above our heads. Dammit. You want to know why I didn’t hear them? I’d been too busy imagining Felix stripped down and stretched out to hear them gaining.

“They want the rings,” he said, and a wide grin spread across his face as he held up the gaudy set of iron bands that had caused the whole mess in the first place.

“You son of a bitch,” I said.

“We make it out of this, maybe you can take it out on me.”

“I’ll do that,” I said, dodging another set of oversized arrows. But then something even bigger caught my attention, the glint of something metal ahead. Fuck. No.

Felix’s gaze followed mine. He’d seen it too. It was a gnome blockade, probably meant to catch big swamp creatures, but more than enough to finish us.

“We are so screwed,” I said.

The adrenaline rush didn’t last long, but Felix’s hotness did. I stayed a half step behind him to get the best view. And also because I was fucking tired. We didn’t talk much those first few miles. That would’ve taken more energy than I had. But when we finally made it to a road, I put on a brave face and ran a little ahead.

“Stop staring at my ass,” I said, “or we might have to make a detour.”

But he knew the only detours I wanted involved warm beds and willing partners. And he knew I was too dead on my feet to handle either just then. Still, it didn’t stop me from dreaming, not with what lay ahead of us. By the time we crested the first big hill, there was no doubt where the night would take us: right to the doorstep of a big-ass barbarian stronghold, with huge-ass bonfires and mouthwatering roasted meats.

“Looks inviting,” Felix said. I knew it was his way of testing how much he’d have to put up with my moaning if we pushed ahead. The sky was dark, but I still saw the gleam in his eye. He wouldn’t mind the pause.

“Looks like a hot meal and a better bed,” I said.

“And no angry gnomes,” Felix added. He gave my shoulder a squeeze, and we didn’t stop for any breaks.

If we’d been alone out there, it would’ve been a nice moment. But there was someone keeping watch. I didn’t see the guards on the walls until we were close enough to smell the meat cooking and hear the drunken shouting. Two big, furry silhouettes moved against the bonfires. They looked a little small to me at first, and I was dumb enough to think the night might be easy.

By the time I realized how huge they were, we’d reached the fort’s outer path. Heads were mounted along the palisade wall, impaled on big sharp spikes. There were skull trophies, bloodied axes and leather straps everywhere, and I started wondering what the leather straps were for.

Felix leaned against me like he was cold, but I knew better. “Looks safe,” he said, and I could feel the quiet laugh in his voice. He was playing the same game he’d played back at Ashara’s compound: pretend to be the innocent, then come out the hero.

“Just need to play it cool,” I said.

The sarcasm in his voice came through crystal clear. “Right. Cool. Let’s try that.”

Felix still had the rings looped around his fingers, and he pulled them close like he was going to hide them under his leathers. I wasn’t about to let him have all the fun. If I’d let him have the run of it, the rest of the night would be spent getting off and getting caught.

“We need to stash them,” I said, trying to sound more confident than I was.

Felix nodded. “And by ‘we,’ you mean me.”

And I did. Because my hands were shaking like crazy and Felix always had a steady grip. “Thanks,” I said, my voice more breath than sound.

We stood face to face, and then face to not-quite-face because I fell back into the grass and moss at the side of the road. Felix gave a playful gasp, and then his fingers went exploring. He knew exactly where I’d stashed a special pocket for just this kind of job. Warm, safe, and all the way at the bottom of my undergarments. I had Mistress Ashara herself sew it in.

“You are full of surprises, Samuel Thornwood,” he said, the slyest smile crossing his lips as he tugged at my trousers. “No, wait,” he said. “You aren’t full yet.”

It was a horrible joke, but I laughed anyway. Partly because I needed the breath and partly because he had me right where he wanted me. His hands were gentle and careful, and then less gentle and less careful as he “hid” the rings where I asked.

His hand slid all the way down into my smallclothes, past the pocket, and closed around my cock and balls like that was where the rings had been hiding all along. I was hard and leaking all over his fingers. “My Sam, you are already wet,” he said, “and so very eager to be found.”

“Handling my package,” I said with a groan, “does not take that much work.”

Felix’s hands lingered as he cinched my belt. “Looks like I need to teach you a few more tricks.”

Next thing I knew, I had him pinned. He let me, but that didn’t matter. The thought was what counted. I was one thread away from ripping our shirts off, but I knew where the night would end if we stuck to my plan. And I knew the food and fires were worth a little self-control. Maybe worth a lot of self-control.

“Later,” I said, trying to be the mature one.

He gave me a crooked smile. “You are a bad influence.”

I nodded toward the stronghold and the heat that was coming off the walls. “Let’s be worse.”

It was my turn to laugh when he gave up his own grumble. I rolled away and got to my feet before I lost my nerve.

Our clothes were smeared and ripped from the run, and we looked a hell of a lot more like escaped prisoners than traveling merchants, but there wasn’t time to come up with a new story. Or maybe there was, but Felix was going to let me make a fool of myself before he helped out. That was his style.

I thought it was just our luck to get the worst watch of the night. One guard on the wall noticed us, called the other one over.

“I’ve got this,” I said, putting on the best charming-smile and swagger I could manage. It was hard to feel too confident, not with how big and tough and half-drunk the guys were. But one of them leaned over the wall and barked out a greeting.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” The voice boomed and echoed down the path.

Felix hung back. Not too far, but enough to make it look like I was the brains of the operation.

“Travelers!” I called up. I gave the guards a big, bright wave. “Need shelter for the night!”

Their eyes went to the bloodied edges of our clothes, and one of the big men motioned for me to step closer. His partner was less welcoming and grunted something that didn’t sound promising.

The closer I got, the bigger they looked. Bigger than the guards at Blackrock Hold. Felix was going to owe me for this one, especially if it worked.

“Lost in the swamp!” I called again. “The missus and I just need a place to stay!”

When I turned to wink at him, Felix was trying not to laugh. One guard seemed interested, but the other wasn’t impressed.

I put a little extra effort into the smile and hope. I watched as they exchanged a few words and looked us over again.

I held my breath.

It took every ounce of charm and guile, and even then we didn’t know if they’d let us in. The massive wooden gates creaked open an inch at a time. There was a moment when I thought they’d close right back up again, a moment when I saw Felix weighing his options and wondering if he’d be able to make it back through the swamp without me.

But before he decided, and before I panicked, the guards called for us to come on in. A curtain of hot air and roasted meat washed over us as soon as we passed through the entrance. So did the shouting and smell of warriors gone half a lifetime without a bath.

“Entertainers!” one of the big men announced, though he gave me a look that said he still wasn’t convinced.

“Travelers!” said the other, who eyed Felix like he wouldn’t mind sharing the young wife.

“Fools,” said one of the women, tall and built and already stripping me with her eyes.

“Friends!” they all shouted, and my entire body let out a sigh of relief.

The guards up top banged a few weapons against the palisade wall, making it official, and we took our first hesitant steps inside.

It was enough to make Blackrock look like a ghost town.

The whole inner courtyard was packed, tables heaped with meat and drink, racks of armor, and bones in all sizes and shapes, some picked clean, some still steaming. Barbarians filled the benches, filled the fighting pits, filled my head with images I never thought I’d imagine.

A heavy hand clapped down on my shoulder, and I looked up to see a woman who was just as huge as the rest of them. She had a beer stein in her other hand, but I could tell she was going to use that one on me too. “You missed the wedding,” she said with a toothy grin, “but there’s plenty left.”

She poured some of whatever she was drinking down my throat, not caring if I wanted it or not, and then she ran off to join another big group.

Felix leaned into me. “Just need to play it cool, right?”

I gave a pained smile. “This is cool. Better than cool. More than I expected.”

“And what was that?”

“I thought we’d have to do some fighting first.”

Felix shook his head. “You can handle that, Sam,” he said.

We ducked out of the path of a wrestling match, and it was hard to tell if he was talking about the fighting or the situation or both.

A big cheer went up as two of the warriors crashed to the floor. Two others took their places, women just as strong and rough as the men.

Felix gave a slight cough. “I think that was their warm-up.”

A cloud of spice and smoke drifted over us, and my stomach growled loud enough for even Felix to hear.

“I guess you’ll have to feed me before the next round,” I said.

He led us around the fighting pit, careful to stay out of range of the flailing limbs.

I thought for sure they were going to catch on to us, that any minute they’d know who we were. But the only thing they caught on to was their own drunken joy, and the only thing they noticed about me and Felix was how skinny we looked.

“You’ll need more than ale,” one of them said, pulling a big haunch of something bloody from a table. He threw it over, but I ducked and let Felix catch it.

“Even the small ones have warrior spirits,” a woman laughed, pulling us close. “This one tried to kill me on my wedding night!”

Another, bigger cheer, and then the noise and heat and smell almost knocked me over. Or maybe it was the sight of one massive blond warrior giving a lap dance to another. Whatever it was, I was glad to be knocked over.

They piled in around us, half a dozen at once, welcoming us to the stronghold and demanding stories, demanding a turn with their new playthings. Felix took my hand to make sure we weren’t split up.

Or maybe he took my hand to make sure we were.

Whatever it was, it felt as close to perfect as things got. I pushed in toward the nearest table, and when I looked back at him, Felix was wearing the biggest smile I’d ever seen.

It was only outdone by mine.

The big woman who first gave us drinks called over, and the whole damn crowd moved to the long benches on either side. I thought she was about to ask for our names. Instead, she said, “Take your pick,” and pointed to the food, and the drink, and herself, and everyone else in the room.

“Too much for them,” said one of the big men, ripping into a drumstick as wide as my torso.

But Felix’s eyes were just as wide. “Too much,” he said with a smirk, “but not too tough.”

We fit in better than I expected. By the time we sat down to catch our breath and a meal, my body was limp with exhaustion. But it was the best kind of exhaustion, and I couldn’t help watching Felix from across the table as he chatted up our new friends.

One of the women next to me looked back and forth between the two of us, shook her head, and muttered, “Travelers.” She put her arm around me and let it rest there until I knew what she wanted.

But that was fine. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and in my pocket, and this time I was damn well going to enjoy myself.

Felix glanced over from across the table while the rest of them closed in around me, and I could tell he was having the same thoughts. One night, his eyebrow said, two at the most, and then we were gone.

One of the biggest men tossed back his mug and wiped a big hand over his face. “Just wait till tomorrow,” he said, raising his eyebrows in a way that promised they wouldn’t let us go easy.

“Yeah,” I said. “Tomorrow. We’ll be ready.”

They all laughed. They knew something we didn’t.

“Tomorrow,” Felix said, slipping his way toward me. “And maybe even later tonight.”

“That’s the spirit,” a bearded woman announced. She had a voice like an anvil and eyes like a killer. “You’ll make fine pets.”